I’m Where I Need To Be

I’ve said it many times: I don’t believe in fate. I don’t believe anything is preordained or destined. If X hadn’t happened that led to Y, Y may or may not have happened. It just wouldn’t have happened exactly how or when it did because of X. And while I appreciated the sentiments while I was waiting to adopt a child, I still don’t believe this child was meant for me in a way that some other child wouldn’t have been. Is this child and adoption situation a good match for us? Yes. Would all other children not have been? No.

That said, I’ve found the good in living with my in-laws at the moment. My preemie kid is not in day care. My MIL and BIL are both getting support they wouldn’t have otherwise had available. And now my uncle is very ill – perhaps gravely – and I live closer to him than I ever have before. And that’s good for both him and me.

So, yeah. This weird move has lasted much longer than I anticipated and my nerves are growing thin. But I’m where I need to be right now.

I am scary good at taking care of others

So…I’ve basically blown off the #NaBloPoMo at this point. Too much going on. But. This post has been sitting in drafts for, oh, about 2 years. 😉 Actually, it’s not even a post. I had a draft post with this title but no post text sitting here ready and waiting. I have several like that to remind me of topics I want to write about eventually.

I guess I thought I should write about how I took care of my father through 3 cancers. How I’m good at taking care of those around me (but not necessarily myself). But now I find myself thrust back into a pseudo-caregiving role. I say ‘pseudo’ because my current role is far more passive than it was for my father. But I get ahead of myself. Some background…

My uncle, my father’s brother, is in the hospital. He has cancer. It’s treatable but he needs surgery and he’s proven to be a difficult case so far. I am his next of kin. He never married or had kids (he’s gay). He has a strong group of friends/support where he lives. Until recently, I’ve never lived near him. So this is all a bit unexpected. He put things in place for me to not be the one to deal with this type of thing. But it happens to have played out that I now live 2.5 hrs away from him – closer than I ever have. And, due to his complex case, he’s in a hospital closer to me than to his home and friends.

So, once again, I find myself fielding calls from doctors and social workers and nurses. And his friends. And family. And I have fallen back into this role with an ease that doesn’t really surprise me yet exhausts me just the same. On one level, it’s easier this time around because I know all the medical speak. Although he has a different cancer than my dad did, he’s having some of the same complications. So it’s really easy to say, “Yes, I approve that procedure” because I already know exactly what it is and why he needs it.

My uncle retired from Hospice – a job he ended up with after caring for so many of his friends with AIDS back in the 1980s. I wonder if I will end up in a similar role…